What we had asked for as wedding gifts was money towards a mission trip. The day we had to pay for it we added up all our wedding gifts and had just enough minus 10 or 20$. We wrote out a cheque and as we met with the team leader to give it to them we realized we had sold tickets for something and it was exactly that 10 or 20 at home in an envelope! So God provided exactly what we needed to the very penny :) Wow.
One of our wedding gifts was the book Love and Respect, and during our honeymoon I realized we needed to come home and read it. We had a good honeymoon trip over all but there were moments of course. I had never shared living space with a male before.. it was quite a shock when i got up to pee in the night and discovered the toilet seat was left up. We both had a learning curve sharing our life, money and daily chores together. 10 years later its still a challenge.
I will nervously admit... i feel i should because most people do not talk about this... we do not have the great sex life I had dreamed of. Early in our marriage I felt so disappointed. We had both waited through our relationship, keeping pure for marriage and I felt we deserved to be blessed in that way. there was a couple we knew well that got married when she was pregnant and she bragged about their sex life. i was jealous and a bit upset, honestly feeling we were more deserving. It was very emotional journey for me to let go of that hope for us. I have to remind myself that I married Joel for many other reasons beyond that and its not as important as the world makes it. I should mention that there is no issue with Joel, I had faced the same problem in an earlier relationship so I know its my issue sadly. Its been a challenge in our marriage thats for sure. Something I have to keep giving up to God.
One thing I mentioned in part 2 was that I rarely dream, so when I do I take notes. I dreamt early in our marriage that Joel called me on the phone and told me he lost his job. In my dream I responded "Someone must be praying for us right now because Im not worried at all". A month or two after the dream Joel called me to tell me he lost his job.. So because God had kind of prepared me for it, I wasnt concerned. We were both working full time anyway so it worked out well. EI is such a blessing too ♡
I wanted to feel settled before having kids in our life together. There was once our "prevention" hadnt quite worked and I was super upset I might get pregnant. I was not ready. Fortunately I was not. Finally, we both felt slightly ready so we took a chance, letting God decide for us and got pregnant right away. Our first was born a few weeks after our 2 year anniversary. I still feel we probably needed more time. We had barely just got into the swing of married life.
Just before the Birth experience we watched a movie called The Grace Card. It really prepared me for the negatives we face in life to be for a greater purpose. it was great timing to watch it because it helped me stay positive with our experience like our daughter being taken to the NICU because I was strep B positive. I was looking for what good God could bring out of that instead of the negative. We had a baby born a week past her due date, and were surrounded by families with premies and other issues. we got to be in the unit praying for those other babies!!!!! We had a good birth experience but it was traumatic to go through. Im sure it is for everyone. it was fast, but ai did feel God helping me.
Life sure does change having kids! So much constant responsibility and work. I had to grieve for my old life of freedom. I am actually still in a state of resisting it and wanting my own life too. I realize the just how selfish I can be. its hard to give up everything you want for other people. Our marriage hit more challenges too...
Shortly after I came home from the hospital I started feeling hyper and was not getting much sleep. I was on a spiritual high, feeling very close to God. I guess Post Partum hormones and lack of sleep carried me into my very first Manic Episode. I was diagnosed as Bipolar but I have never had any symptoms prior. no lows in my life. It was controlled quickly with a great psychiatrist and the right medication and i was back to normal physically but my relationship with God took a bit hit. I didnt understand why He let that happen to me.
I was on such a spiritual high before, during the birth and afterwards.. I felt closer to God than I ever had. Somehow the line was so blurred from where I was close to God vs going crazy. It made me scared to get close to God again. I never turned against God but certainly avoided Him for a long time. when I was so close I think pride had slipped in. pride cones before a fall. there was a song Dying Star that helped snap me out of being prideful, and my diagnosis deflated it further fir sure. I was shakenz it scared me I didnt know the difference between the Holy Spirit and going crazy til it was too late.
2 years passed and we had our second child. During the pregnancy my family doctor told me to stop taking the pill that had brought me out of the manic episode. I was happy and didnt want to go back to taking it. After our son was born no one told me to resume taking it and I wanted to prove I did not need it. I made an effort to get enough rest and everything seemed to be OK.
But, when our son was 3 months old I started getting less sleep and the whole manic cycle started to repeat. Our family doctor tried to contact our psychiatrist but he was on vacation at the time. We saw soneone else in emerg that perscribed very expensive pills and they were not covered by my blue cross. when we forked over the money and i took them they gave me serious full body tremors and terrified me. I talked to the new psychiatrist on the phone and he told me to just add gravol and benadryl to help me sleep when i took it. I thought the doctor was trying to kill me.
The pills did not help and I had to go to the mental health unit at the hospital for a short stay. Rather than feeling so abandoned by God like the first time.. I felt privledged to be on that unit to bless and pray for others. It was so strange being the patient rather than the nurse though. It helped me to see mental health so differently. Now I know, It can truly happen to anyone.
My psychiatrist returned and put me back on the same pill I took the last episode and it worked perfectly again. Now I will take it the rest of my life as prevention. I am a little nervous about menopause of course in the future. I also get concerned from time to time I may be behaving abnormally and fear comes into my mind. if i get excited about God, the fear can come. or if i cant sleep with my mind busy.. i hope I am mentally ok.
The wonderful psychiatrist also said my family doctor should never have taken me off of that pill during my pregnancy. He said the second event probably would never have happened if I had still been on it. Instead, our family doctor advised us not to have any more pregnancies and suggested Joel go on the waiting list for a vasectomy. She said it was a long wait so we agreed. I always wanted 4 kids, 2 girls and 2 boys. Joel said after our first that he said we should stop at one child.. eventually he agreed to have our second. So he was easily convinced by our Dr to go on the list and call our family complete.
I knew it was my fault that the second event happened and if i had just taken the pill we would have been fine. I still wanted more kids! We went on the list though as it was a long wait and we had time to process. But our family doctor made a phone call right away to move us up on the list! Joel was called after a few months and said yes to the appointment. I didn't want him to do it but he didnt want to ever repeat me going to the hospital and him being stuck with an infant and toddler like he had been, it was rough.
So thus our family is 2 kids today. I still cry at times wondering what it would be like if we had another 1 or 2.. We even have names picked out for another boy or girl so its hard for me not to think about it from time to time. Joel has even wondered too if he should have went through with the procedure. Now it's too late. I am happy with my two of course and so thankful to have a boy and girl. I do wonder about adopting sometimes. I sure would have a hard time if anything happened to either of my kids.
I had gallbladder surgery about a year ago and I was so prayerful going into it. I was able to pray too in all the places in the hospital I had never been before. I really feel God was so present and with me every step of the journey.. well, I started to get concerned that I was going crazy again. I took 2 pills that night instead of 1 just to prevent it in case. I have a feeling that's going to happen whenever I get close to God or excited about life.
Since then, Ive been struggling. Ive been distant from God, avoiding Him. Ive been moody, cranky, irritable, short temptered and easily stressed and overwhelmed. I have been feeling like a terrible wife, mother and child of God. Ive been feeling bad about myself and wanting change but feeling stuck.
I always take comfort in a message i heard in church years ago about life being like a walk across a feild towards God. There can be rocky areas where we can trip and fall and get hurt along the way... God sees us still walking towards Him even if we stop or slow down from time to time.. as long as we dont turn and go the other way He sees our faithfulness. When we are not against Him, we are For Him. Sometimes I hold on to that message and know I'm still OK. Distant yes, but Id never turn my back on God.
I did brief prayer counselling/inner healing that helped some.. the biggest thing was God helped me to completely forgive my Mom for all the hurts. How? I realized I had wanted her to pay for it.. God showed me Jesus already paid for it all. He suffered for each hurt word. Prayer counselling also revealed my need to know God's Love. but I struggle with feeling loveable and I just continued to avoid Him afterwards.
Finally, a dear friend asked me to do an online Hearing God Seminar via Zoom. It has changed my life so much. Just to reflect on how God has spoken to me in varous ways in the past... how He speaks all through the Bible to others.. and being reminded He wants to speak to me now.. its been so refreshing. He wants to speak to each of us daily!!!
I have finally stopped avoiding so much. Another friend shared recently that she was doing devotions to read the Bible in one year. It inspired me to do that for 2021. So far, the timing has been great and one time when I got 10 days behind in my readings feeling awful about it, God used the very 10 day late devotion to speak exactly into the tough question I asked Him that day: How do I know if I get close to You again I wont go crazy?
The devotion talked about how common it is to hit a spiritual low or time of testing just after a Spiritual high. Even Jesus experienced this. He was baptized and had the Spirit descend on Him saying God was well pleased with Him.. Then He was led to the desert for 40 days abd tempted by satan!
I went through the driest time of my life and did not turn my back on God. especially the last 2 years I feel were wasted... Slowly I feel I am returning to Him. Does it mean I might go crazy again? Its a risk Ill have to take. It would be worth it. I cant continue to live without Him.. its not truly living.
Thats the big stuff Ive been keeping to myself. I felt I needed to let it out...
Being Real, open and honest is freeing. No ones life is perfect... parts can be great and others not so great.. We all have a valuable story. :)
I hope I can encourage someone, so often theres beauty simply knowing youre not alone ♡
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