My Life Story (Part 3) - Marriage, Family & Struggles

So, our wedding was beautiful and unique full of Biblical things. Joel decended from a stairway and I came out to meet him. His Dad gave him away with a prayer as did my Mom to me. We stood under a Chuppah Joel had made with so much spiritual symbolism to how it was made. symbolizing that we were standing surrounded by God. It will one day be our 4 post bed frame. Someday :) The first thing we did was wash each others feet after signing the marriage certificate. Starting things off on the right foot.

What we had asked for as wedding gifts was money towards a mission trip. The day we had to pay for it we added up all our wedding gifts and had just enough minus 10 or 20$. We wrote out a cheque and as we met with the team leader to give it to them we realized we had sold tickets for something and it was exactly that 10 or 20 at home in an envelope! So God provided exactly what we needed to the very penny :) Wow.

One of our wedding gifts was the book Love and Respect, and during our honeymoon I realized we needed to come home and read it. We had a good honeymoon trip over all but there were moments of course. I had never shared living space with a male before.. it was quite a shock when i got up to pee in the night and discovered the toilet seat was left up. We both had a learning curve sharing our life, money and daily chores together. 10 years later its still a challenge.

I will nervously admit... i feel i should because most people do not talk about this... we do not have the great sex life I had dreamed of. Early in our marriage I felt so disappointed. We had both waited through our relationship, keeping pure for marriage and I felt we deserved to be blessed in that way. there was a couple we knew well that got married when she was pregnant and she bragged about their sex life. i was jealous and a bit upset, honestly feeling we were more deserving. It was very emotional journey for me to let go of that hope for us. I have to remind myself that I married Joel for many other reasons beyond that and its not as important as the world makes it. I should mention that there is no issue with Joel, I had faced the same problem in an earlier relationship so I know its my issue sadly. Its been a challenge in our marriage thats for sure. Something I have to keep giving up to God.

One thing I mentioned in part 2 was that I rarely dream, so when I do I take notes. I dreamt early in our marriage that Joel called me on the phone and told me he lost his job. In my dream I responded "Someone must be praying for us right now because Im not worried at all". A month or two after the dream Joel called me to tell me he lost his job.. So because God had kind of prepared me for it, I wasnt concerned. We were both working full time anyway so it worked out well. EI is such a blessing too ♡

I wanted to feel settled before having kids in our life together. There was once our "prevention" hadnt quite worked and I was super upset I might get pregnant. I was not ready. Fortunately I was not. Finally, we both felt slightly ready so we took a chance, letting God decide for us and got pregnant right away. Our first was born a few weeks after our 2 year anniversary. I still feel we probably needed more time. We had barely just got into the swing of married life.

Just before the Birth experience we watched a movie called The Grace Card. It really prepared me for the negatives we face in life to be for a greater purpose. it was great timing to watch it because it helped me stay positive with our experience like our daughter being taken to the NICU because I was strep B positive. I was looking for what good God could bring out of that instead of the negative. We had a baby born a week past her due date, and were surrounded by families with premies and other issues. we got to be in the unit praying for those other babies!!!!! We had a good birth experience but it was traumatic to go through. Im sure it is for everyone. it was fast, but ai did feel God helping me.

Life sure does change having kids! So much constant responsibility and work. I had to grieve for my old life of freedom. I am actually still in a state of resisting it and wanting my own life too. I realize the just how selfish I can be. its hard to give up everything you want for other people. Our marriage hit more challenges too...

Shortly after I came home from the hospital I started feeling hyper and was not getting much sleep. I was on a spiritual high, feeling very close to God. I guess Post Partum hormones and lack of sleep carried me into my very first Manic Episode. I was diagnosed as Bipolar but I have never had any symptoms prior. no lows in my life. It was controlled quickly with a great psychiatrist and the right medication and i was back to normal physically but my relationship with God took a bit hit. I didnt understand why He let that happen to me.

 I was on such a spiritual high before, during the birth and afterwards.. I felt closer to God than I ever had. Somehow the line was so blurred from where I was close to God vs going crazy. It made me scared to get close to God again. I never turned against God but certainly avoided Him for a long time. when I was so close I think pride had slipped in. pride cones before a fall. there was a song Dying Star that helped snap me out of being prideful, and my diagnosis deflated it further fir sure. I was shakenz it scared me I didnt know the difference between the Holy Spirit and going crazy til it was too late.

2 years passed and we had our second child. During the pregnancy my family doctor told me to stop taking the pill that had brought me out of the manic episode. I was happy and didnt want to go back to taking it. After our son was born no one told me to resume taking it and I wanted to prove I did not need it. I made an effort to get enough rest and everything seemed to be OK.

But, when our son was 3 months old I started getting less sleep and the whole manic cycle started to repeat. Our family doctor tried to contact our psychiatrist but he was on vacation at the time. We saw soneone else in emerg that perscribed very expensive pills and they were not covered by my blue cross. when we forked over the money and i took them they gave me serious full body tremors and terrified me. I talked to the new psychiatrist on the phone and he told me to just add gravol and benadryl to help me sleep when i took it. I thought the doctor was trying to kill me.

The pills did not help and I had to go to the mental health unit at the hospital for a short stay. Rather than feeling so abandoned by God like the first time.. I felt privledged to be on that unit to bless and pray for others. It was so strange being the patient rather than the nurse though. It helped me to see mental health so differently. Now I know, It can truly happen to anyone.

My psychiatrist returned and put me back on the same pill I took the last episode and it worked perfectly again. Now I will take it the rest of my life as prevention. I am a little nervous about menopause of course in the future. I also get concerned from time to time I may be behaving abnormally and fear comes into my mind. if i get excited about God, the fear can come. or if i cant sleep with my mind busy.. i hope I am mentally ok.

The wonderful psychiatrist also said my family doctor should never have taken me off of that pill during my pregnancy. He said the second event probably would never have happened if I had still been on it. Instead, our family doctor advised us not to have any more pregnancies and suggested Joel go on the waiting list for a vasectomy. She said it was a long wait so we agreed. I always wanted 4 kids, 2 girls and 2 boys. Joel said after our first that he said we should stop at one child.. eventually he agreed to have our second. So he was easily convinced by our Dr to go on the list and call our family complete.

I knew it was my fault that the second event happened and if i had just taken the pill we would have been fine. I still wanted more kids! We went on the list though as it was a long wait and we had time to process. But our family doctor made a phone call right away to move us up on the list! Joel was called after a few months and said yes to the appointment. I didn't want him to do it but he didnt want to ever repeat me going to the hospital and him being stuck with an infant and toddler like he had been, it was rough.

So thus our family is 2 kids today. I still cry at times wondering what it would be like if we had another 1 or 2.. We even have names picked out for another boy or girl so its hard for me not to think about it from time to time. Joel has even wondered too if he should have went through with the procedure. Now it's too late. I am happy with my two of course and so thankful to have a boy and girl. I do wonder about adopting sometimes. I sure would have a hard time if anything happened to either of my kids.

I had gallbladder surgery about a year ago and I was so prayerful going into it. I was able to pray too in all the places in the hospital I had never been before. I really feel God was so present and with me every step of the journey.. well, I started to get concerned that I was going crazy again. I took 2 pills that night instead of 1 just to prevent it in case. I have a feeling that's going to happen whenever I get close to God or excited about life.

Since then, Ive been struggling. Ive been distant from God, avoiding Him. Ive been moody, cranky, irritable, short temptered and easily stressed and overwhelmed. I have been feeling like a terrible wife, mother and child of God. Ive been feeling bad about myself and wanting change but feeling stuck. 

I always take comfort in a message i heard in church years ago about life being like a walk across a feild towards God. There can be rocky areas where we can trip and fall and get hurt along the way... God sees us still walking towards Him even if we stop or slow down from time to time.. as long as we dont turn and go the other way He sees our faithfulness. When we are not against Him, we are For Him. Sometimes I hold on to that message and know I'm still OK. Distant yes, but Id never turn my back on God.

I did brief prayer counselling/inner healing that helped some.. the biggest thing was God helped me to completely forgive my Mom for all the hurts. How? I realized I had wanted her to pay for it.. God showed me Jesus already paid for it all. He suffered for each hurt word. Prayer counselling also revealed my need to know God's Love. but I struggle with feeling loveable and I just continued to avoid Him afterwards. 

Finally, a dear friend asked me to do an online Hearing God Seminar via Zoom. It has changed my life so much. Just to reflect on how God has spoken to me in varous ways in the past... how He speaks all through the Bible to others.. and being reminded He wants to speak to me now.. its been so refreshing. He wants to speak to each of us daily!!!

I have finally stopped avoiding so much. Another friend shared recently that she was doing devotions to read the Bible in one year. It inspired me to do that for 2021. So far, the timing has been great and one time when I got 10 days behind in my readings feeling awful about it, God used the very 10 day late devotion to speak exactly into the tough question I asked Him that day: How do I know if I get close to You again I wont go crazy?

The devotion talked about how common it is to hit a spiritual low or time of testing just after a Spiritual high. Even Jesus experienced this. He was baptized and had the Spirit descend on Him saying God was well pleased with Him.. Then He was led to the desert for 40 days abd tempted by satan!

I went through the driest time of my life and did not turn my back on God. especially the last 2 years I feel were wasted... Slowly I feel I am returning to Him. Does it mean I might go crazy again? Its a risk Ill have to take. It would be worth it. I cant continue to live without Him.. its not truly living.

Thats the big stuff Ive been keeping to myself. I felt I needed to let it out...

Being Real, open and honest is freeing. No ones life is perfect... parts can be great and others not so great.. We all have a valuable story. :)

I hope I can encourage someone, so often theres beauty simply knowing youre not alone ♡

My Life Story (Part 2) - My Faith Journey (before marriage)

I was in grade 12 when I went on the mission trip (I mentioned in part 1) and it really changed my life. I was able to speak about my experience in 2 of my high school classes afterwards. I really wanted to do Missionary work in my future and help the poor. I wanted to use my life to make a difference. This is because I read a book called The Paradox of Plenty about how there is more than enough food in the world to feed the poor. the poor exist because of greedy people. it breaks my heart!

The summer after I gave my life to Christ my Mom took us to the Atlantic Christian Ashram camp in Berwick, NS. Its for all denominations of the Christian faith. Someone shared that they were asking God to reveal His love for them that week during camp. I asked God for the same, I wanted to know absolutely His love toward me. The next day during worship outdoors among the trees. We sat down on a bench somewhere near the back, off to the right side of the gathering. Soon I noticed a ray of sunshine coming through the trees in such a way that it was shining on me and not anyone around me. I felt the warmth of it and that is just how God spoke to me saying He loved me. I still remember just how real His love was towards me in that moment. When we ask, He will answer us!

After that camp we went to another Ashram camp in Newfoundland too. This was the first time I ever saw a person fall down in the persence of God. I didnt know what to think about it! I was wondering why someone was lying down and everyone was acting like things were ok. I thought they needed medical attention haha. i learned later that the Holy Spirit can come upon you so strong you canot stand. its called being baptized in the Spirit.

What I want to share most about going to Newfoundland is our trip home. We were driving late at night through Cape Breton back to the Annapolis Valley. Marilee and I were trying to rest in the back seat but my Mom was falling asleep driving. From time to time she would swerve a little. I tried to convince her to stop driving but she wanted to keep going. I was too scared to try to rest like my sister. I prayed that God would protect not only us but the other people on the road. 

Shortly after my prayer, a transport truck came up behind us and their headlights were bothering my Mom. but it was keeping her awake! She would slow down hoping they would pass but they stayed behind us. Faithfully. She even slowed down to like 30 trying to make them pass when there was a passing lane available. The truck seemed committed to stay behind us. Yes it was frustrating to my Mom but it was my answer to prayer! I was praising God in the back seat for keeping my Mom awake :) finally hours later it seemed it did pass, and it was a pepsi truck. i still consider that driver to be my Pepsi Angel! God showed me He cared for us and heard my cry for help in the back seat. ♡

My first job was at Greco pizza in Greenwood. my Mom got me the job my convincing the boss I was not like other youth, i was a mature, christian girl. I was the only youth hired there so one of the older ladies was resentful I was there. She was a single Mom with a few kids and was making the same wage as a high school student! She was rude etc but I just kept being kind to her anyway and eventually she started to like me. 

Everyone there knew I was a Christian. I used to sing and pray while working and witnessed to my co workers. One of them wanted kids so bad but wasnt able to get pregnant, i prayed for her everyday that she would and now she has 2 boys and became a Christian. Another coworker was constantly swearing saying JC about everything. It bothered me so much! After awhile God showed me that Jesus died for him too, I started feeling so much love and compassion for him too.

My sister volunteered at a kids program at a local baptist church and I went with my Mom one evening to pick her up. We ended up speaking with the pastor who was excited to have a guest speaker coming soon. It was someone from Ghana Africa to share about his agricultural work helping the poor to support themselves. I was thrilled. 

The speaker was David Mensah and I got a copy of his book called Kwabena that shares his testimony and how his work began. He was an orphan and had a crazy encounter with Jesus. He had so much favor on his life. He he came to Canada with a scholarship and got his Doctorate at  the University of Toronto. Its amazing. He married a Canadian woman and they began the ministry to help his people back in Ghana. Its in such a sustainable way.  They made one community self sufficient and moved to another one to do the same. I knew one day I wanted to go there to help.

I applied to go to either Atlantic Baptist University (where I gave my life to Jesus at the youth conference), or Nova Scotia Agricultural College. I got accepted for both and didnt know what to do. I wanted to grow stronger in my faith, but also to work towards the future of being useful to the poor. 

My youth group had someone from ABU visit to promote going there. One person out of a large group of us was going to win a T-shirt with ABU on it. Guess who won? I took it as a sign.. and also I emailed Canadian Baptist Ministries to ask what I should do to work with them. David Mensahs ministry was part of CBM. They emailed back saying they didnt know where in Canada I was inquiring from but a University in Moncton NB (ABU) had a Cross Cultural Certificate that would be a good start. Thats exactly what I wanted to do. It confirmed I should go to ABU (now renamed Crandall).

I signed up for a sociology degree with an attempt to accomplish the certificate on the side. There was no option to do the certificate alone full time. A little into my first year at exam and paper time I was really questioning what I was doing. I was going into so much debt with student loans and I just wanted to be free to help the poor. I kept going though and made great friends who were very spiritual. 

I went with them every Wednesday evening to Water and Wine church where they had Soaking nights. Soaking was simply resting with God and inviting His presence to have His way and fill you and change you. It was wonderful. I felt a bit weird sometimes to me as it seemed a bit selfish to always be asking for More from God. I mentioned this to someone and the whole next Sunday sermon seemed to answer that question about why we needed the Holy Spirit. I was convinced and started being more hungry for Him too. It changed my life.

I also went to a small church mostly for young adults. it was so refreshing because people were open and honest about their issues there. we are all imperfect people! i learned to just be real with people, open and honest. every week there I felt like God challenged me in another way to heal up. i had alot of issues with my sister and one week i felt like He told me she needed to know sge was loved. i told her i loved her and it really helped our relationship. i know God speaks to us and cares about the things on our heart. when we pour out our concerns to Him.. if we wait and listen expecting an answer He will show us what to do :)

The next times I felt concerned about the debt of university was causing I felt that $20,000 of debt was worth experiencing so much more of God as I had going to W&W. Pastor Marilyn had told me things about my childhood no one else could know. it was all a spiritual experience id never had before and opened my mind to the deeper things of God and the Holy Spirit. 

Coming to Moncton was well worth it. But I did decide after my 2nd year, to back out of the sociology degree. A friend had graduated that year and ended up working at Frenchies (used clothing) for the summer after graduating. My wake up call: A University degree does not give you a job. I got more worried about debt!

I decided poor people needed either food or health care so I applied to do nursing (LPN) at community college. I applied both in Moncton and back home in NS. My Mom lived walking distance to the community college in Kentville. I got accepted there and moved back home. I emailed the Mensahs in Ghana telling them of my new plans and they replied that they were just starting plans to one day build a hospital there. I took that as a sign :)

I went to a conference in Halifax with people from Water and Wine. It was all about the Fathers Heart with John and Carol Arnott from Catch the Fire (Then called Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship). It was life altering. When the rest of my group went for lunch each day I lingered in the quiet, reading my Bible, praying, reading promises of who I am in Christ and skipping my meal. I really pressed in for More from God.

They were teaching about Father types and I had an absent father. I didnt know what a father could be like. Even if I had had a great father, they said, I still needed God to show me Himself what it meant for Him to be my Father. I actually took out my contact lenses (as I knew someone else was driving me home) and tossed them away because Spiritually I wanted God to change the way I saw Him. I wanted to let go of everything I thought He was like and for Him to show me Himself.

 During the soaking time that day, I saw a vision (images in my mind). I saw myself as a huge crack in the middle of the desert and God was a huge waterfall that came and poured into the crack. Soon it filled me up but did not stop there... it started to flood the desert all around me. Then they had a prayer tunnel you could walk through were people stood on either side of you praying as u walked along slowly. When I walked through, I have never felt Gods presence as powerfully as that before. At the end I could no longer stand. I also was praying in tongues and couldnt stop. It was such an amazing, powerful experience I will never forget. 

For days afterwards I still felt tingles of His presence even when I was sitting in class at my LPN course. I had a Christian friend in my class who went to a United Pentecostal church. We became friends and I asked her the reasons why she only wore skirts and never cut her hair. Her answers (with scripture references) convinced me maybe God was asking that from me too. Really, I would do anything He required as He is more important than anything else. I began those two practices, wearing skirts and letting my hair grow. I went to an Apostolic conference with her. The worship was like we were all one big choir, and the alter call was the best experience I've ever had. they did not come along and pray powerful prayers over you, they just said to pour out your heart to God yourself at the alter! ♡♡

A while later I wasn't so convinced God was requiring me to do those things like wearing skirts. it is so not practical in the winter and for nursing! I felt that God doesn't care for anyone more or less depending on what they wear. He always looks at the heart. I'm not saying people who do those things should not, their hearts are beautiful before God. I still believe that it would have to be personal conviction through the Holy Spirit to lead me to do anything for God. I cannot go by what other people teach me. I didnt feel God Himself and His word was telling me to.

So many different denominations exist because so many people interpret the Bible in different ways. I consider myself not convinced of any one denomination. If anyone asks about my faith today I am simply a 'Christian'.  I consider myself non denominational. Its a personal relationship with God we are each participating in. Even your pastor will probably say something you disagree with some day.  We are each human and each on this journey learning from Christ. we need to seek Him ourselves for sure.

After God giving me a great burden for the poor, I prayed and asked God what was most important on His heart. I read Ezekiel 33 and I felt verse 7 answered that question for me. Israel is great on His heart. He wants them to come to know Him and know that Jesus is the Messiah they are waiting for. I knew there was a man in my Pentecostal church who had a huge heart for Israel so I talked to him. He lent me a book called Jesus for Jews full of testimonies about Jewish people not seeking Jesus but having various different stories about how they came to receive Him. So inspiring. 

We celebrated the Passover meal at his home and it was so powerful to know what Jewish people all over the world celebrate and how so many parts of the celebration point straight to Jesus! I really have developed a heart for Israel and a passion to learn more about my Hebrew roots. 

Being away from Water and Wine made me dissatisfied at other churches. It was hard to enjoy it as much after experiencing a completely Spirit led church. Their services started at 1pm and often did not finish til midnight. it was completely led by the Holy Spirit. we would worship for hours, we would soak, intercede, share prayer requests and testimonies. It was a celebration of all God was doing all thriugh the week in each of us. It built your faith and gave you boldness!! Sometimes there was a teaching, sometimes there wasnt. I missed it terribly. Sometimes I traveled there on the weekend just to attend then drive home. Once my sister and I drove there 4 hours and home 4 hours all in the same day. I even got a speeding ticket once but It was worth it.

My mom and I found a great Apostolic church nearby but it still wasnt the same. We spent so much time seeking God together though,  we went to different fellowships most nights of the week, soaking at home etc. We had so many nudge-worthy moments because often we would hear something we just read or heard at home or at another fellowship. Still, when I finished my LPN course I wanted more than anything to return to Moncton to W&W. I worked as much as possible as an LPN to pay off my student loans as fast as I could. I paid off my Nova Scotia loan before landing a job in Moncton and preparing to move there.

I was given a full time days position at Spencers Nursing Home. I had all my evenings free and never missed church as w&w started in the afternoon!!! I spent all my time off dancing in worship and praying for the city. It was strange though, my great group of youth at w&w mostly moved away shortly after I moved back.. and the services became more structured and less Spirit led soon after too.

I attended a Torah Study as well with a group of older couples interested in their Hebrew roots. My sister moved in with me briefly and we took a bit of hebrew lessons. I had a few great God experiences working at the nursing home but later went to work at the hospital. I got a job on a mental health children and youth unit. During my time working there I got a prophetic word during the summer at Fundy Camp that there was something unfinished with education that God wanted me to finish. I was living in Moncton near ABU and looked up what credits I needed to finish the Cross Cultural Certificate and I only needed 2 credits!!!! I was able to take courses part time while working to finish it. :)

It was time for the final practical work experience portion of the Cross Cultural Certificate. I had dreamed to go work with David Mensah in Ghana as teams years prior had been able to. I was sad to find out they no longer worked with them, but the professor sad he would see what he could do. It was 8 years since I had met David Mensah and dreamed of going there. The professor worked out the details and I was able to join a 2 week medical team with the Mensahs and then stay another 2 weeks afterwards to help in a local clinic. I was thrilled. My prayers and dreams coming true.

I was overwhelmed by Gods faithfulness during the trip and amazed that I was actually there. I cried happy tears so much. God had been faithful to bring me there after so long and I was grateful! But, after working at a nursing home and mental health so far I was out of my comfort zone to help with surgeries, post op recovery etc.. I also wasn't prepared to help much in the local clinic once the mission team was gone. I learned more from them, but was sad about their lack of supplies and training too.

After returning to Canada, it wasnt long after I felt the need to leave the mental health unit for my own safety. I applied for two %50 jobs and they gave them both to me as a full time job. It was on the surgical floor too... What valuable experience!!! I soaked it up and felt I would be more useful on my next mission trip.

Years passed. I bought a house and rented to several roommates. I had good and bad experiences. I had grown up with no males really in my life and was always warned against them. I had a few bad experiences with men over the years and decided I would be happier solo. God and I was just fine. 

I went out with single friends on valentine's day one year to celebrate being single. The rest of them ended up talking about boys and I stayed quiet.  One of them asked me if there surely was someone I knew I would consider going out for coffee with. I thought silently a bit then said.. "Someone like Joel. Not Joel, but someone like him." Joel was the first guy friend from church who had never expressed interest in me. He was respectful and his compliments were always genuine. He was a real brother. Generous and loved God very much. But I was not attracted to him. When I bought my house though, I had considered who I might leave my house to if I passed away and my mind settled on him. He also lived with roommates and would use my house to bless others etc.

It had been a long time since going to Water and Wine, but a great friend I used to go there with visited Moncton and we went there to visit. When I saw Joel after so long I was surprised at how he looked. He had grown a beard and had new glasses no longer with tape holding them together. I wad attracted... and since I already had my mind settled on what a great guy he was inside it wasn't long before he knew I was interested. Our first date we went to a quiet restaurant and talked for hours and hours. He prayed for me to have a dream that night as he dreamt all the time and I rarely did. The next morning I woke up crying because I was so overwhelmed with Gods love in my dream... that's just what Joel had prayed for!

We talked tons on the phone and I had many God moments. I took this as a sign he was right for me.  I had said I wanted to find someone I valued more than myself and could lay down my life for. I felt this way about Joel. He is an amazing person. I actually had written a list many years prior of what I would look for in a husband and he actually met them all!!! God help me to remember this, its so easy to focus on the few negatives and lusten to the enemies lies!!!

I was very hesitant to move too fast as other guys had with me and wanted to keep God my main priority always. We made sure not to become obsessed with being together and keep God top priority in our lives. I actually told him I loved him before we ever held hands. The first time I took him to the Torah Study group he got excited about our Hebrew roots also. To me it couldn't get any more romantic than that! Afterwards when we said goodbye it was a beautiful starry night. I decided it was the best moment there ever could be for our first kiss, so I surprised him.

Through our relationship we decided french kissing was something to leave for marriage. He also asked me not to wear tank tops showing my shoulders or ones that showed any cleavage. I was quite modest to begin with but I really appreciated Joel wanting me to as well to protect his thought life. We wanted to stay pure. Once we got talking about marriage and future plans we decided we would both wear white for our wedding. Also because we are both the bride of Christ.

We discussed my summer vacation dates and when we might try to plan a wedding etc. Joel had struggled financially and I knew that wouldn't be good in marriage so I help coach him on how to get our of debt and budget. He was saving up for a ring. I told him a lot of the nurses didn't even wear their engagement rings because they could scratch people or get caught on gloves. I told Joel if he wanted to get me a diamond to get me a diamond nose ring. (I had wanted to get my nose pierced:) 

I waited and wondered how it was going with that. Sometimes I couldn't help but ask but he said he was planning something just to be patient. I was waiting to tell my friends and family officially when he proposed rather than just our planned wedding date. One day he took me on a long drive to saint john to meet his passed family doctor. there was something he needed to talk to him about privately to prepare for proposing. 

Finally one day he took me for a drive and a hike out in the snow. As we sat by a fire he got out a wooden goblet he has turned himself out of olive wood. he poured in grape juice as I don't drink alcohol. He held the cup out to me and asked me to marry him. If you don't know, the Hebrew tradition is done this way. All the family is gathered and the woman is offered the cup.. if she drinks from it it means yes and all the family celebrates. Of course I said yes and took a sip. Then he opened a box containing a nose ring, but instead of a diamond was a blue stone. we both love blue. I was wondering how any of this had anything to do with visiting his doctor! lol. I had to ask, and he said a ring was coming later.

Needless to say I got my nose pierced the next chance I got, and later, the ring was presented to me at Jeans restaurant where we loved to go, and it was custom made so the sapphire stone he bought from his doctor was set inside so it would never scratch anything. Wow!!!

I think this is a good spot to stop for part 3 another day! Alot has happened since then :)

My Life Story (Part 1) - Coming to Faith

I've been wanting to share for awhile the whole set of life experiences I have had. Many people who know me have no idea of my history.

I grew up with a single Mom and one sister very close in age. We went to church/Sunday school in a few different denominations as we moved a lot. My mom came from a home with a lot of issues which I will not get into. Growing up, there were a lot of hurtful words spoken between the 3 of us. My main focus was to gain my Mom's approval and try to be perfect in her eyes. I blamed my younger sister for mistakes I made and often she got into trouble instead of me. In school I was the top of my class and strived to be the best. I was very competitive. My favorite childhood memory was after school each day we would sit at our table for a snack and Mom would talk to us about our day. I felt like the center of attention in my Mom's eyes and couldn't be happier.

When I was about 12 years old a lot changed for our family all at once. My Mom had dated a few times while we were growing up, but never anything serious. Suddenly, my Mom got very serious fast. One of her friends was getting divorced and my Mom started hanging out with the soon to be ex-husband. He started sleeping over frequently. My Mom stopped going to church and seemingly walked away from God.

It shook me up. We had always been taught right and wrong. We were taught smoking, swearing and drinking were wrong and we should not watch scary or violent movies. This man did all those things. I really started to question all my Mom had taught me. I was at a critical part of growing up as I was just becoming able to take care of myself. Its almost as if my Mom (who had me at 19 years old) decided my sister and I were finally old enough to take care of ourselves and she was doing her own thing now. We lost her attention. She soon told us we would sell everything we owned and move in with this man. He wasn't even divorced yet but he promised once he was he would marry my Mom. I personally didn't like him at all. He was the picture of everything my Mom has always told us was wrong.

I proceeded to experiment with smoking to test if it was really so bad. My Mom found some cigarettes in my possession and immediately stopped me from going to school. She thought school was the reason why I wanted to try them - but I got them by stealing them from her new man! This extreme reaction from my Mom sent me into a battle with her trying to prove that I could do whatever I wanted and didn't need to listen to her anymore. I started experimenting with more things behind my Mom's back too. I started drinking, having sex, stealing, and soon began to love marijuana. I was about 13 years old - in grade 7. My Mom began to fight with her boyfriend. We lived there awhile and his divorce kept being put off. 

Whatever the reason, she eventually left him. We were happy! My Mom started going back to church too. But at this point, I was uninterested. My sister and I had began the lifestyle she didn't like and we both thought church was unnecessary. Mom tried to make me go to church, even trying to physically get me in the car once while I was on the side of the road attempting to run away from her. We fought. Alot. She wanted me to stop rebelling, and I tried to prove I could do what I wanted. I hated my Mother. I was completely against her.

Im going to insert here that we went to visit family friends. I ended up being a passenger in the oldest daughters car. She was about to turn 19 and I was jealous. I asked if she was excited to go buy her own alcohol and her reply caught me off guard... She said "I dont want to try that I have no reason to". I was shocked that someone wouldnt even want to try drinking. That stuff was my life, what more was there? I thought there was no point to life at all, just party and have fun. During our visit I also stayed in her room and remembered seeing a bookmark or pencil or something that said "I may not be perfect.. but God isnt finished with me yet". This stood out to me so much... I was amazed at her confidence. She seemed so satisfied with her life and who she was. I wanted what she had. ♡

I mentioned before there were a lot of harsh words spoken between my mom and me. At times she treated me horribly, as I did her. We hurt each others feelings on purpose. It escalated to some physical fights too. Once, we had said some extremely hurtful things to each other and she proceeded to say "You know I love you right?". I punched her in the face and gave her a black eye. It was so hurtful to me that she could say love was anywhere in her heart after how she just made me feel. Sometimes things she did/said made me want to kill myself they hurt so bad.

 I actually tried once taking a whole huge bottle of asprin before going to sleep but I woke up with my whole body soaked with sweat, my heart pounding like crazy and I had woken from a nightmare. The dream was that I was walking around in the dark woods and tried to stop walking but my body wouldn't listen to me. I was also picking up a stick and I knew I shouldn't (like i was about to hurt someone with it if i picked it up) but I couldn't stop. I was completely out of control of my own body. It was like an evil force was doing things I didn't want to. I told some of my friends about it later and they laughed saying it sounded like an acid trip. It scared me enough to not want to try any other drugs beyond cannabis. I wanted to stay in control of my life.

Shortly after I had punched my Mom I was kicked out of our home by her. She drove me to a friend's house and dropped me off with some belongings. She did not want me to come back. This sounded good to me! I was 14 or 15, soon I'd be able to live on my own anyway. One of my other friend's parents went through the process of becoming a foster home so they could care for me. I got to share a room with one of my good friends and they gave me money for clothes etc. They let us smoke and even bought us cigarettes too. They dropped us off at the mall and picked us up later. It was great. I was doing all the things I had been fighting for so much with my Mom for. After a bit in such freedom I had been fighting for I realized I still wasn't happy. I started to question what I really wanted in life.

 I lived in the foster home for almost a year. During that time I went to court about my Mom's black eye. My free-lawyer never asked me any questions at all. When we got there we both swore to tell the truth but my Mom proceeded to exaggerate the whole story. Being manipulative and extremely hurtful to me to try getting me into more trouble. it was the helpless feeling i had when i wanted to kill myself before. my mom was being so hateful to me. the judge yelled at me as I glared at her in anger. I was put on probation and had a nightly curfew. I hated her even more. Even years later I am still wounded by this and my Mom said she just wanted them to take it seriously. She said it was the same as if I was sick she would exaggerate to the doctor to get him to do tests etc and get more help and attention. Lying and manipulating to get your own child in trouble (with them helplessly listening to you) has got to be the most hurtful thing a parent could ever do.

A while later my social worker wanted me to try to work things out with my mom. After not talking for so long she called me to talk. She had changed a lot. We started visits and she would let me smoke as long as it wasn't in the house. She seemed to be taking a different approach. She wasn't pressing me to change and to stop doing what I wanted. She was being friendly, even caring. not trying to control me. She had Christian worship music always playing in the house. Little did I know she had returned to church and had her whole women's prayer group praying for my sister and I to come to Jesus.  

I moved back home. Part of my probation was taking anger management and addictions counseling (as well as the curfew). I was only listening to the law because I had to. I couldn't fight with that authority! My battle stopped there. i learned i did have to be responsible for my actions and choices after all. My Mom was letting the law do the work instead of fighting me herself. My sister and I had always been friends but after me being kicked out we hadnt talked. I missed a lot of the time with mom and as they shared about a trip they took etc I was jealous. 

I kept with my lifestyle but was pondering the meaning of life and trying to figure out what would make me happy. My younger cousins asked so many questions to me one day asking "Why?" about everything. it made me come home and ask the never ending Why questions about my own life. For example: Why did I like marijuana? I discovered, it helped me feel more confident. I could be more talkative and felt smarter. I started writing down some of my deep thoughts while "high". but then once I read them later I realized how far out there they were. not smart at all.

I asked Why about other things like why God allowed starving people in the world. But really the answer isn't that God doesn't care. There is more than enough food on the planet for everyone. The reason poverty exists is because people do not share. People starve because of other people's selfishness. I decided I wanted to use my life to somehow help the poor. I certainly dont want to be another selfish person contributing to suffering of others. i wanted to use my life for good.

I'm inserting another person who helped influence me... Im not sure where this fits in the timeline:

My Aunt Esther visited and was sipping tea at the table with us. They had to move out of their home soon and had put in an offer to buy a new house. It was quite important that the offer went through but she said "If God wants us to have it we will". She wasnt worried at all about it. Her faith was impressive. I wanted what she had. Such peace no matter what. trusting that God would take care of her.

I also used to often walk late at night and look up at the stars... I felt so tiny compared to the universe out there and wondered about how life began. I decided it would take much more faith to believe there was no God. All of the life I know could never just come out of no where, by some mistake. Evolution makes no sense because why would we not see half-monkey/half-human transformations continuing now? Created. That made the most sense. the intricate details of everything couldnt just come out of nowhere.. God creating it all made so much more sense!

If there was a God I wanted to know. I asked God to show me if He was really real. I started sneaking my Mom's Bible into my room sometimes. I felt over and over the words I read were just what I needed to hear. I also felt so much conviction about my sin too (Exodus 20:12 and 21:15 among others). My mom started making us go to youth group and church as a consequence when we were grounded etc. I hated it. I sat there with a hoodie over my head and hands in my hoodie pocket just waiting for it to be over. It was a pentecostal church. My sister and I would make fun of the people prophesying or giving a "word". We said they were "talking as if they are God!" - We called it the crazy church.

Eventually I said "Mom if you're going to try to make us go to church at least go to a normal one". So she took us to a Baptist church instead. One of my punishments was that I had to go to youth group. But I actually really liked the leader there. I thought he was cool. so full of energy, eady to listen to and really cared. We went on a youth retreat weekend to "Springforth" youth conference in Moncton, NB. I was so amazed by the hundreds of youth filling the room singing worship songs. There were so many cool people my age who thought God was cool!

The speaker asked us all "What would you do if God himself made Himself visible before you?" I thought about it, probably beg for mercy! The speaker then said "I want you to find a spot all by yourself to respond in that way because He is right here in this room with you!" I spaced out from my youth group and fell to my knees crying. I went over how horrible a person I was, naming the many "sins" and asking for mercy. I felt a voice in my mind say "it's ok, its ok". I responded "how it it OK?!" and I instantly saw in my mind an image of Jesus on the cross. I knew that all my sin was paid for there. the voice was God telling me I was forgiven because of Jesus. I was so overwhelmened by God's grace and love for me as I was! I had a real encounter. I was 16.

I came home from that youth conference and filled a box outside of by bedroom door of things I no longer wanted - stolen things mostly.. but also, things that were not going to help me focus on God. I just wanted Him. The first commandment is to no have any idols.. and to me that meant idolatry -  anything that became more important than God. The "encounter" with God... I did that periodicly, imagining myself standing before God Himself, and responding. I called it "evaluating myself before God"... it helped me repent and be accountable for my lifestyle. I even broke up with a boyfriend once because of checking in with God in that way.

My sister also encountered God in completely other way. She had been in a car accident where her head went through the windshield.. glass in her eyes and the whole bit. She was having health issues like un explained heart palpitations and sudden reactions to foods which she had never experienced before. My mom had given her a pamphlet about Jesus and told her she couldn't understand exactly what she was going through but God knew exactly and He was with her. We came to Jesus at about the same time. But we didn't talk and understand the change in each other at first.

My life radically changed. I was a Jesus Freak and wanted to be known as one in the school. I got good marks again and my sister and i started a Christian fellowship group with our friends at school. We were then curious about that "Crazy church" and wanted to check it out... :) The youth group in our church grew. Everyone was amazed at how my sister and I both came to God. they had been praying for us! We went to prayer meetings and prayed for our high school. Our group of friends started a kids program at the church led by the youth and had new families come. Great things. 

I went on my first mission trip to see poverty with my own eyes. It changed my life. I cried driving down the street looking at our homes once i returned home. I cried when I saw a kid throw their lunch in the garbage at school. It has still helped shape my life. You can never erase seeing starving, malnourished children and knowing parents had dropped them off at a renutrition center because they could not care for them. Seeing lines of kids waiting for a free meal. Imagine dirt floors of homes in the rainy season... So much to be thankful for back in Canada!

I will continue on more of my faith journey in another Part coming soon...

My Thoughts about the Bible story of Moses

We recently discussed this Bible story with some friends and it really made me stop and ponder it some more the next day while I was washing dishes. I really think its such an encouraging story. (Exodus 2)

Its more than just about what happens to the baby Moses. It can be even more about his Mother. 

Consider how she had been told: " This is the way it will happen.. Someone will soon come and kill your child". I can only imagine her response crying out to God..  "No! God this is not Your plan! What can I do?!" She tried to hide him for some time but couldnt any longer.

She was desperate for a miracle and just like that He dropped into her spirit: Place him in a basket and send him off. 

She chose to trust Him. She did as she felt led.. and what happened next..?

The princess was out at the water at the right moment and scooped him up. She knew he was a hebrew child meant to be killed, but she held him close instead. So she kept him safe... Right under the nose of Pharaoh who had ordered him to be killed. 

But thats not it.. they soon welcomed Moses' own mother into the castle to help nurse and care for him!!!

Talk about setting up a table for us in the presence of our enemies!!! ♡

God delivered in the most miraculous way. He can do this for us too. Don't let fear overtake you. Dont let others tell you what is going to happen. Talk to God, and step out in faith as He leads you...

He still works miracles ♡